Why Am I Good At My Job But Fail At Relationships? --- 07/15/2009
Great Career, Crappy Personal Life
Just after his fortieth birthday cardiac surgeon Elliot felt a sharp pain in his heart. He was mystified. Nothing had changed and he was as fit as a fiddle. The ache was throbbing and got more intense when he saw couples in his office, in the cafeteria, at book signings and at restaurants. He hadn’t noticed it before, but now it sent a sharp pain through him. Something wasn’t right. He was weary of short term affairs and one night stands. The desire for a long term secure, reliable and intimate relationship flooded his waking moments.
What’s the Excuse Now?
Elliot had made chief of surgery and published four books by the age of thirty-seven. At work he was confident, had great relationships with colleagues and patients and felt fulfilled. But now the accomplishments were just words on his resume. Reaching for the top had been a convenient excuse for not investing in his personal life. Now he had none.
Self-help Relationship School
A good student and a prolific implementer of knowledge, Elliot started reading articles and blogs on relationship skills. He bought self-help books and DVD’s giving him tips on appearance, chat lines, body language and how to get inside the female brain. He attended relationship workshops, and singles groups. At last he felt ready to date. He joined an elite dating agency and put his new learning into practice.
Disappointment Leads to Desperate Measures
Eliot was heartbroken with his dating experience. Things seemed to start out well but fizzled out quickly. He just couldn’t figure it out. Either the woman lost interest in him, or he didn’t feel a genuine sense of compatibility. He became alarmed.
How come he was so good at relationships at work but failed miserably without the mantle of his doctor’s coat? Why was it so easy for everyone else? What was wrong with his partner selection? He had followed his lessons meticulously, so why wasn’t it working? What was the magic formula and why couldn’t he grasp it?
Elliot swallowed his pride and consulted his rabbi. He felt even more hopeless. He went to a psychic, and a shaman who rekindled the hope but left him feeling helpless and a victim of larger inexplicable forces.
Why Didn’t Elliot’s Efforts Pay Off?
As Elliot was growing up he made an unconscious deal with himself. It went something like this. Family relationships are messy and unpredictable. It doesn’t seem worth the effort to keep trying to get close to anyone. One minute they want you, the next they don’t. It doesn’t seem any better with relatives or friends. I can’t stand not knowing the secret to smooth, reliable, satisfying connections. I’m going to put my chips into a more profitable venture, where I know for sure that the profits will be in direct relationship to my efforts. I won’t have to depend on anyone else to feel good or worthwhile.
Elliot had decided to become self-reliant and give up on people making him feel good in his private life. He focused on his career and excelled. Through the mantle of his profession he had safe and predictable relationships.
Highly Developed Intellect With Emotions Lagging Behind
Elliot didn’t know how to read other people’s emotional states or how to react to them. In his inconsistent family life no one explained their feelings and actions. No one noticed his desperation to understand this strange world of emotions that seemed to dictate the chaotic relationships around him. He had to fill in the blanks in order to make some sense out of the mess just to survive. He had to do it all himself with no way of knowing whether his judgments were accurate or not. He used his intellectual capabilities and developed them to the highest level. It grounded him and gave him control. But he left his emotional self behind, under-developed and functioning without a net.
Relationships Succeed when Left and Right Brains Synchronize Activity
When Elliot began his self-help journey in his quest for a romantic partner, he used his intellect to learn. Taking classes, reading, watching DVD’s and going to religious and spiritual gurus were intellectual, logical, rational, problem solving activities. They all went into his left brain and stayed there. Relationships involving emotional connections are activated by the right brain. That’s why Elliot’s efforts failed. That's why he got frustrated and upset.
Emotions Playing Catch-up To Intellect
Elliot’s intimate relationship making skills need to play catch up with his fantastic intellect. A caring, reliable and patient person willing and able to tune into Elliot can jump start the catch up process. He can then learn the language code for emotional connections, and navigate relationships with more confidence and skill. It is the fine and exquisite tuning in of one person’s right brain with another person’s right brain that teaches, develops and matures emotional capacity for making and sustaining long term romantic relationships. It is called secure attachment and is the foundation of all satisfying connections. Psychotherapy provides this function for those like Elliot who missed out this vital step in their early lives.
When Elliot’s emotional capacities as near as match his intellectual skills, his left and right brains will work in unison. He will have what it takes to be in and enjoy an intimate relationship.