Are You Binging and Purging Your Lover Into Unavailability? Four Ways To Find and Keep Available Partners. --- 07/20/2008

What an Idiot I was to fall for that!

Nauseous waves filled Roxanne’s stomach. This was the umpteenth message she had left without a response. A whirlwind of crazy thoughts whipped her with self-doubt. Why did I let myself be seduced? Why did I let this happen with a guy I hardly knew?

The Agony - He’s Unavailable

Curled up in a ball Roxanne cried for hours, numbing that gut wrenching ache with alcohol. She yearned for that exquisite feeling - like she was the only thing on earth that mattered. She kept returning to the scene when their eyes first met in the coffee shop. Her body tingled with excitement like never before. Josh’s focused gaze made her juices flow. Had she blown it? Was he totally unavailable to her?

The Ecstasy- He’s Available But It’s Dangerous

A week earlier Josh was insatiable. He was calling and text- ting several times a day. He wanted to take her to breakfast, spend the day with her, bath with her and lie with her at night. He seemed to think she was perfectly delicious! She wanted more of that - wanted it forever, anytime, all the time. She wanted to devour the experience with a voracious greed- until shocked and righteous inner voices seeped in and incinerated her appetite.

The Doubts - Need To Make Him Unavailable

No relationship had been this easy, this quick and this satisfying. There must be something she wasn’t seeing. If she gave into this temptation where would it lead? How would she be able to travel, learn about new things, experience the entire world? The possibility of missing out on all those dreams set of a panic reaction. Suffocating with fear she made a ton of excuses to avoid seeing him. She found and dated a nice, boring guy. She told Josh she was seeing someone else. His calls and e-mails dried up. The source of her temptations dried up. Her juices dried up.

The Self-Torture- He’s Unavailable And It Hurts

Roxanne tortured herself with guilt for having let him slip away. She was consumed with thoughts of longing for his touch, his smile, and his adoration. He felt lost to her. Nothing satisfied that dark, deep, hollow vortex inside. The hunger was old, familiar, horrible but safe. Now that Josh was unavailable she could mourn and grieve. So much more comfortable than being imprisoned by his possessive cage of love.

The Game Plan - Playing The Greedy Child And Punitive Parent

Roxanne turned a luscious available guy into a rejected unavailable man. She couldn’t allow herself to have something so wonderful. The greedy child part of her stuffed herself with goodies. Then she was caught red handed by the depriving mother part of her. The harsh parent admonished her for her greed and made her throw away the rest of the food. If she didn’t obey she would never be able to eat nice things again. The once yummy food to die for turned into tough, heavy, rotting meat. It has to be thrown out. The angry parent part of Roxanne was deaf to the child protesting the loss of that heavenly food, abandoning her to lonely suffering.

Double Whammy of Unavailability

Roxanne’s life is set up so she can never have what her heart desires. She is destined to experience the heartache of unavailable people in two ways:

1. Roxanne turns available men into unavailable objects of fantasy. Having a real life relationship means being caged in and obligated to love back in the same intense way she is loved. It’s safer to live on the memories of the taste she allowed herself before she threw it away.

2. The child inside Roxanne isn’t so sophisticated. She just wants what tastes good and doesn’t understand why she isn’t allowed to have it. As she cries in despair, the parent part of Roxanne is unavailable for comfort and reassurance. She loses out twice.

The child’s experience is that eating goodies results in severe punishment and loss of a parent. So she learns to treat future goodies with suspicion. Only a few bites are allowed or else the punishment will be excruciating. Josh became a symbol of her greed and she had to suffer the consequences.

Making Relationships With Available Partners

There are four steps Roxanne needs to take in order to have more satisfying relationships. She needs appropriate support within a therapeutic environment for success.

1. Roxanne the parent needs to allow goodies to be a regular part of Roxanne the child’s life without spoiling her.

2. Small everyday treats with substantial meals of reliable acceptance and support from a therapist would be the best diet. It would line Roxanne the child’s stomach so she tolerates and savors available relationships.

3. Roxanne’s depriving parent needs to be trained by her therapist to be more available for comfort and nurturance and less punitive. Roxanne the child will learn to follow that balanced diet herself.

4. Roxanne can then choose available partners and enjoy them without fear of loss or punishment. She will no longer have to binge on love and then deprive herself for being bad and greedy.