How To Stop Growing Hot Buttons In Your Psyche

July 20th, 2008

Sunday, July 20, 2008

How To Stop Growing Hot Buttons in Your Psyche

Exposing The Hot Button Weed
June was hurt that she hadn’t been asked to join the planning committee for her neighborhood watch. She called her friend Monica, the committee chair and broke off their relationship. Taken aback Monica shot back that June was doing her usual dance of running away whenever things didn’t go her way. June’s hot button burst into flames, ” I don’t dump people!” she screamed in her defense.

Pretending The Weed Doesn’t Exist
June was called out on her tendency to abandon people who don’t give her what she believes she is entitled to. Her emphatic denial was a way of covering up the shame and humiliation she felt when she was laid bare. June believed that if she couldn’t see it then no one else could either. But she was wrong, and her hot button was ignited.

Weeds Are The Seedbed Of Your Hot Buttons
When you try to cover up, kill, pull out, suffocate, poison or chop up the parts of yourself that you don’t like (your weeds), you actually create a spot of fertile ground for the root particles and seeds to flourish. They congregate and thrive as a hot button inside your psyche. When you have a strong reaction to your buttons being pushed, it’s because you were forced to see the weeds in your rose garden. Your outrage is a protest against acknowledging that you are by nature made of weeds and exotic orchids.

Why Weeds Take Over Your Psychic Garden
The more aspects of yourself you disown the more they are going to fight for air, light, and space in your psychic garden. They will pop up when you least expect them, as angry outbursts whenever they are triggered by a button pusher. They will overwhelm the beautiful garden you spend so much time grooming, and make you feel exposed and ashamed. Exactly the opposite of what you wanted.

You Can Hide Things From Yourself, But Beware Friends and Family
Like June, you can hide unacceptable parts of yourself with nice perfume, pretty adornments, and masks. But those close to you can see through the disguise. When they speak to those hidden parts of you instead of your false persona, your hot buttons are going to be pushed big time.

Allowing A Few Weeds To Go Through Their Life Cycle
Accepting a weed such as your desire to feel superior (a weed) to exist near your kindness to animals (an orchid) means you can keep your eye on the weed. That puts you in control. Since you are allowing it to take it’s natural course, there is no frantic activity underground to make more roots and seedlings ( to fuel the furnace of your hot buttons). As the plant comes to the end of it’s natural life, you can collect the seeds before they fall on the ground and give birth to hundreds of new ones. Owning it gives you the power to determine how and when it can come out. Remember, your friends and family already know it’s there. They accept you with that imperfection. It’s time you did too!

copyright Jeanette Raymond.
to read more on using anger profitably go to http://www.drjeanetteraymond.com
to articles on how anger can make you fat, impotent or otherwise sabotage you, go to http://www.drjeanetteraymond.com/articles.html.

Posted in How To Deal When Your Buttons Get Pushed | No Comments »

I Can’t Stand It - My Family Treats Me Like An ATM Machine!

July 13th, 2008
 

 

Sunday, July 20, 2008

 

 

I Can’t Stand It - My Family Treats Me Like An ATM Machine!

Triggering The Hot Button

“Mom, I need the money for the weekend right now!” demanded her eighteen year old daughter.

 

Reacting to The Hot Button

Fueled with indignation Sharon’s words shot out like guided missiles determined to destroy the grabbing, ungrateful source of threat to her at that moment. ” I’m sick of being treated as an ATM machine. You never thank me. You never think of me and how hard I have to work for the money that you waste. If you need money go out and earn it!”

Naming The Hot Button


Sharon’s hot button got triggered by her daughter’s demand. The button’s label is ‘being taken for granted, and unappreciated by close family members.’ A cocktail of pent up hurt and longing to be valued mixed with years of rage erupted. Mother and daughter now had a rift in their relationship as both went off into their corners feeling unfairly wounded and vulnerable. As the heat subsided, Sharon suffered the throbbing pain of fear and guilt - will I lose my daughter? Am I a mean bad parent?

How The Hot Button Was Created


Sharon helped her sister Ellisa prepare the party for their father’s 80th birthday. As the guests left they thanked Ellisa and wished her father many more years of healthy life. Sharon drove home hurt and unappreciated. Her father had barely noticed her, made no mention of her efforts or contributions let alone thanked her for the party. Ellisa was heaped with teary eyed praise as a generous, loving daughter - as always. Despite 40 years of being ignored by her father, and living in her sister’s shadow, Sharon kept hoping that the next time would be different. Nothing changed, and each layer of disappointment added to Sharon’s anger. Her hot button was steaming with outrage and resentment. The angry vapors invaded every part of her body and mind fueling the already bubbling volcano primed to explode.

When her daughter made the demand, the bomb went off.

Deactivating The Hot Button


Once Sharon identifies the name of her hot button she has taken the first step in controlling it. She wants her efforts to be acknowledged, valued and appreciated. That is fine. She can increase her chances of being valued by recalibrating the currency used in the market of family relationships. Instead of investing in the hope that family will honor her unselfish acts, she would get greater returns by choosing a more varied portfolio. That translates to being available and giving of herself only when she truly wants to, and not when she would rather do something else. That way she doesn’t set herself up for resentment when she is taken for granted. By placing a higher value on herself she makes it more desirable and therefore more worth having.

For more on dealing with your anger in a profitable way, go to
http://www.drjeanetteraymond.com/

Read articles on how anger makes you fat, impotent and stressed, go to
http://www.drjeanetteraymond.com/articles.html

Posted in How To Deal When Your Buttons Get Pushed | No Comments »

My partner Humiliated Me In Public!

July 4th, 2008

Joyce watched the pleasure on Brad’s face as he laughed and drank toasts with his friends. She joined them at the table and waited for Brad to introduce her to the crowd. He smiled as she sat down and called the waiter over to order Joyce a drink. Joyce sipped her wine making small talk with Brad’s pals. They were loud and she didn’t get their jokes. Sidelined, Joyce chose her moment of revenge with piercing accuracy. Just as Brad bought another bottle of expensive champagne, Joyce called out, ” are you sure you can you afford that? You don’t have any work next week!”

Brad had been savagely attacked. His irresponsibility button had been pushed big time. His partner knew that sore spot very well and took precise aim, scoring a bulls eye. She had exposed him, and he retaliated with outrage to cover his shame and humiliation. ” Have I ever let you starve? I’m a big boy and I know how to manage my finances. It’s none of your business what I do with my money or how I get it. It’s not your precious money so don’t tell me what to do. You’re a kill joy! You wouldn’t know how to enjoy yourself if you tried.”

http://www.drjeanetteraymond.com/

Brad’s outburst when his button got pushed silenced the party. The group saw him bad mouth his wife. The fact that she provoked him was by now forgotten. All they saw and heard was fury and an erruption of uncontrollable anger. They lost respect for him, and left.

A better Way For Brad To Act
1. Taking Ownership
When an assault is launched against this vulnerability he can own it, and therefore speak from a place of power and control. Taking full ownership takes the sting out of the barb and it has little or no effect.
2. Imagine Being In the Shoes Of the Attacker
Brad should have noticed and been sensitive to Joyce feeling excluded. He could have taken preventive action by making sure she was able to participate in the conversation. That way she wouldn’t have needed to get his attention or express her hurt by humiliating him.

Read more like this : Prove You Love Me - Four Tips on Unhooking From the Power Struggle. By Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. http://EzineArticles.com/?id=978249

More articles on managing anger, frustration and resentment at
http://www.drjeanetteraymond.com/

Posted in How To Deal When Your Buttons Get Pushed | No Comments »

Now I Want You, Now I Don’t!

April 20th, 2008

Dominic fantasized about his wife’s face lighting up with joy as he surprised her with his treat. He wanted her attention again. He was a bit guilty that he had been neglecting her lately, so he made reservations at their favorite restaurant. Tonight he was going to make it up to her and everything between them would return to normal.   

Tricia came home from work tired and grumpy. She didn’t feel like dressing up and going out. Reluctantly she agreed to make the effort after seeing the disappointment on Dominic’s face. At the restaurant Tricia complained about the table, the temperature of the room, the loud music and the awful service. She picked at her food. Dominic got madder with each complaint he heard. Eventually he exploded and spewed out his resentment  “you’re not happy, lets go back home since I obviously picked the wrong place! Nothing I do is ever right?” He yelled for the bill and drove back seething in silent outrage.

Slamming doors, and loud pointed sighs of frustration cut the air with daggers of hate. Twenty minutes later Dominic sealed himself off from further humiliation by burying himself in a book. Tricia came into the bedroom and lay down beside him. She stroked his hair and tried to cuddle up to him. Dominic swatted her away, wallowing in his martyrdom. Tricia apologized begging to know how she could get Dominic back from his self-imposed exile. He just sighed harder, tensed up his body, created a shell around him and felt the power of revenge as he punished Tricia for not responding to his earlier efforts.

Next evening Dominic brought home chocolates and flowers. He was concerned that he may have pushed Tricia away to such an extent that she may threaten to leave him. He missed that wonderful comforting connection with Tricia that always made him feel good. With a warm smile Dominic hugged Tricia and gave her the gifts. He was met with a stiff body. She didn’t welcome his advances, saying “You only want me when it suits you! I tried to make it up with you last night, but you weren’t in the mood to mend things. Well, now I am not in the mood. It’s too late.”

http://www.drjeanetteraymond.com

Tricia and Dominic communicate in the “Me pull, you push - you pull, I push” code. Neither of them can risk being close simultaneously, no matter how much they crave that sense of belonging and unity. Inside their heads there are loud warning signals that go off when ever the possibility of stable and lasting intimacy becomes real. They have to keep each other on tenter hooks, getting their next fix of pulling - the caressing, flowers, apologies. That is when they both feel most secure. Full and content with security, one of them pushes away the loving gestures, making the giver feel rejected. Empty of love and security the pulling starts again, and so both Tricia and Dominic dance to the rhythm of desire as it ebbs and flows in their relationship.

Changing The Rhythm Of Desire

  • Tricia and Dominic need to talk about their fear of losing one another.
  • They need to share what they each represent for one another.
  • They both need to decide whether they signed up for the role they have been put in.
  • Tricia and Dominic need to notice the moments where there are no pulls and pushes and capitalize on them by doing joint activities and sensing the security it brings.
  • Tricia and Dominic could call their partner on it, when they feel either pulled or pushed and stop it from escalating.

http://www.drjeanetteraymond.com

Tricia and Dominic can read these articles together and create stability and security on a more solid foundation.
Did you Know That Anger Makes You Fat? By Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. http://EzineArticles.com/?id=1082619Conflict Brings The Sexiest High. Five Reasons Why. Five Ways To Reconfigure. By Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. http://www.articlesfactory.com/articles/self-help/conflict-brings-the-sexiest-high-five-reasons-why-five-ways-to-re-configure.html 

Posted in Couples Speak Decoded | No Comments »

The Power Game - Prove You Love Me!

February 10th, 2008


  

Despite five years of living with Martin, Tanya was still competing with Martin’s mother for the top spot in his attentions. Martin was attracted to Tanya’s strong will, determination and independence. He envied her confidence to do as she pleased. He loved her ability to be direct and up front about what she thought and felt. There was something comforting in her certainty.
 

 ” I expect you to be with me at my office awards function tomorrow,” Tanya threw out at Martin as he got off the phone with his mother.
 

” Look Tanya, I know it is an important day for you, but my mother isn’t doing well. Her blood pressure is up, and I need to take her to the doctor, ” replied Martin  pleading to be let off the hook.
 

 ” If you care about our future together, you will come to my office party tomorrow ” Tanya snarled back.
 

” She doesn’t always report the side effects of her medication so I need to be there to get it all straight. You know I can’t be fully present with you if I am worrying about her.” Martin said, ending the battle.
 

Seething with anger and humiliation Tanya stormed off. For the next few days she donned the hat of supreme self-reliance banishing Martin from her heart and mind.  As time wore on, Martin felt depleted. Playing the responsible son didn’t feel so good anymore. He had lost his life line to his partner, the symbol of his position as a mature man in the world. Struggling with feelings of shame and self-disgust he made frantic efforts to penetrate Tanya’s well sealed sanctuary. Loneliness on both sides repaired the breech when the hurt became unbearable.
 

 The power game for Martin

  •  He feels very little power in his life, fearing being engulfed by women.
  •  Having two women to answer to means neither can possess him or swallow him alive.
  •  He gets his power from frustrating both women while keeping the lions share of himself for himself.

 The power game for Tanya
 

  •  She feels very little power in her life, fearing being unworthy of true long term commitment.
  •  When Martin chooses his mother over her, her ultimatums escalate.
  •  She feels her power through exercising what she feels are legitimate demands.
     

 Shifting from a power struggle to a love fest
  Ÿ   Martin’s reluctance to develop his own boundaries is something he should question. Why does he need to hide behind his mother, or borrow strength from Tanya?
 Ÿ   Allowing Martin to give what he wants is probably Tanya’s best bet. That way Martin isn’t pressured. He is likely to rid himself of his fear of being eaten alive, and use Tanya’s independence as a model for himself.
 Ÿ  Flexible expectations is a good aim for Tanya to strive towards, building her sense of security, as she gets more from Martin from his own choosing.
 

  http://www.drjeanetteraymond.com/
 

Copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
 

   
 

.
 


 

Posted in Couples Speak Decoded | No Comments »

IS MY DREAM ABOUT BEING LOST THE SAME AS YOUR DREAM ABOUT BEING LOST?

January 13th, 2008

Tiffany’s Dream. Tall, slim and friendly Tiffany had a busy life with her charities and community work. She had good friends and was involved with helping her neighbors. She was in the third quarter of her life which seemed to be going well. There was nothing particular she wanted to do, no special ambition or dream to fulfill. Regrets were few and far between. She was puzzled that she would dream over and over again about being lost. In her dream she would set out on foot and then all of a sudden feel completely lost. She could hear the traffic on the freeway and see roads around her, but she didn’t have a clue where she was or where she was supposed to be going. There was no resolution in the dreams, and she woke up feeling confused.

Marsha’s Dream. An articulate and forceful personality Marsha, also in her golden years knew exactly where she wanted to go, and made every effort to get there in life. Her constant and frustrating dream involved trying to get to a specific place in the city at night. The darkness was countered by street lights. Each time Marsha saw a door or a corner of the street that appeared to be a sign post for the pathway towards her destination, she would rush to get there, feeling energized that she was on the right road. But as soon as she reached the corner she would realize that it was not the right one, and feel lost.

Both ladies were on journeys and both experienced a sense of being lost. What do these dreams want to tell the dreamers?

Tiffany’s focus on other people is fulfilling to some extent. Enough to make her life reasonably comfortable. But she has not asked herself what her purpose in life is. She has not discovered where her journey is to take her, and what path she should follow to get there. As her life is coming into it’s final phase, Tiffany’s dream is begging her to search inside herself for something to complete her as a person. It is inviting her to stop focusing all her energies on other people as that is merely an avoidance of herself. That is why in her dream she doesn’t know where she is going, and feels lost. She has LOST herself. She is being given a big hint to find herself and take one of the roads towards her life’s purpose to bring true meaning into it. Whether it is freeway to fast track her journey, or get back on track while on foot, she needs to find out what she is here on earth to be and do before it is too late.

http://www.drjeanetteraymond.com/

Marsha on the other hand knows exactly what she wants and knows precisely where to get it. Or she thinks she does!! The darkness of night in her dream suggests she is not looking at the objects of her desire with a clear lens. She gets false signals and she gets her hopes up, only to find them dashed. Marsha idealizes the things she wants. They become much grander in her mind than they really are, and she is badly let down when the promise isn’t delivered. Her dream is telling her to see more clearly, to use the daylight of reason, rather than the darkness of her ideals which skew the reality. Marsha’s frustration that her expectations are not met is due to her wanting something unreal, something perfect. Her patient and returning dream reminds her to balance her ideals with reality so that she will not be so disappointed and actually feel like she is getting something useful. Marsha has LOST her earth wire, the one that grounds the energy when you put on the switch. She will either explode with anger and disappointment or keep being frustrated if she doesn’t begin to see things the way they really are and enjoy them accordingly.

So two dreams about being lost have two very different meanings for the dreamers. Yet both women are ‘lost’. Tiffany is lost because she has never examined herself and discovered the purpose of her life. Marsha is lost because she she is trying to find something that doesn’t exist.

If you have dreams about being lost, please post them on this blog and I will respond. I look forward to hearing your experience.

COPYRIGHT JEANETTE RAYMOND, Ph.D.
http://www.drjeanetteraymond.com/

Posted in Dreams | No Comments »

You Never Compliment Me!

December 27th, 2007

Tricia was sick of the online greetings, the phone calls offering good wishes, and friends wanting to throw Tony a surprise 30th birthday party. “ Why does Tony get everyone fussing over him, yet when it was my 25th birthday no one did anything special. It sucks.” Tricia puked out at she stepped on the dozing cat, wanting to burn the latest pile of birthday cards that arrived in the mail.
 

“They want a party, they’ll get one that will make their jaws drop!” Tricia resolved.  The house was transformed into an Eden of tropically scented flowers, mouth watering delicacies, flowing champagne and seductive music. Tricia glowed with pride. She played the mental audio tape of profuse admiration, and screened the images of awe struck faces, focused on her. Energy flowed and anticipated excitement bubbled in her stomach.  “Wow Tricia, what an awesome spread you prepared, thanks so much” Tony said as he absorbed the ambiance. “ No problem, but I didn‘t get the orchids I was hoping for, and I left it too late to get that gelato you love” Tricia boomeranged the compliment back. Insulted, Tony yelled, “ I wish you hadn’t bothered. I never asked for this. You keep telling me I don‘t appreciate you - look how you treat me when I do compliment you!”
 

http://www.drjeanetteraymond.com/
 

Despite longing for acknowledgments, compliments stuck in Tricia’s throat and she spat them out. Why would she not let herself have her heart’s desire?
 

Ÿ         She would have to live up to her own expectations which feels like hard work with no guarantee of success.
Ÿ         She would have to let the compliments in, and let it nourish her which would mean she couldn’t blame Tony any more.
Ÿ         She would have to grow strong on the recognition - that would take mean being on an equal footing with Tony - not at all exciting.
Ÿ         Much better to give him power to make her happy, rather than take responsibility for using the compliments to make herself happy.
 

How Can This Couple Change The Script?
Ÿ         Tony should tell Tricia how he feels when she throws his compliments in the trash.
Ÿ         Tony must let her know every time she spits on it.
Ÿ         When he is feeling calmer, Tony can ask her why she doesn’t want his compliments even though she is desperate for them.
Ÿ         Tricia needs to be more aware of her double messages.
Ÿ         She needs to ask herself what prevents her from enjoying praise and recognition
Ÿ         She needs to focus in on the acknowledgements in real life rather than those she fantasized about while she is doing activities that she believes will bring her accolades.
Ÿ         Both Tricia and Tony need to talk about the self-fulfilling prophecy that is being set up. When Tricia spurns Tony’s comments, he is less likely to offer them and then her accusation about never getting validation will come true.
 

Learn more about couples in conflict in my article: Conflict Brings The sexiest High! five Reasons Why, Five Ways to Reconfigure.  http://Ezinearticles.com/?id=878645

 

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 

If you have similar experiences please let me know via your comments.
 

 

Posted in Couples Speak Decoded | 1 Comment »

What Story is Your Biography Going to Tell?

October 19th, 2007

Cyrus groaned as he marked his 8th grade students  Social Studies test papers. He felt worn out and turned on the television. The suspense of American Idol thrilled him for a few exhilarating seconds before he gave into the nagging voice of duty. He got up to prepare for classes tomorrow and strangled his brief vicarious encounter with show business.
 

That night Cyrus had the same dream that had visited him often over the past few years. In the dream he was about to take a test to get his Masters Degree in history. There was a large book with tiny print that he should have studied, but Cyrus had never opened it, and now his day of judgment had arrived. He woke up from the dream with his heart pounding and a gnawing feeling in the pit of his stomach - just as he had on previous occasions when this dream pierced his moment of awakening. He trudged through the day pushing the remnants of this raw sensation out of his mind.
 

Cyrus wanted to be an actor and dancer but never took classes or tried out at auditions. He choked off his fantasies with the safety of teaching and the respectable duties of parenthood. Any whiff of longing was smothered with blankets of defeatist comments choking off the air supply. Cyrus’s dream returned several times to remind him of his true yearnings. How would he feel when it came time to read his personal history? When his final exam rated him on whether he had honored his authentic self, what grade would he get? Cyrus’s persistent dream begged him to proof read the manuscript of his life to date before it went into print.  Finding a way to be involved with the performing arts would be like editing the content of his biography. What a celebration awaits him as he is awarded his ‘degree’ - that of ‘mastering’ his journey through life without regrets.
 

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Will Cyrus take notice of his powerful dream? What do you think?

Have you had similar dreams? Please write and tell me about how you used the messages in your dreams.  http://www.drjeanetteraymond.com/

 

Posted in Dreams | 2 Comments »

Whose Script Gets Top Billing?

September 30th, 2007

Tim heard Josie’s key in the lock and sighed. She was later than usual. He didn’t buy the story about the late meeting at work. “What was the meeting like?” he urged as Josie got herself a cold drink. “Boring! you know my boss, he likes to change plans at the last minute,” Josie drawled. Tim pictured Josie with Al, her team leader passing notes to him and sharing meaningful glances. “Did you want to be there?” demanded Tim.” I wanted to get home and relax, but I had no choice” Josie said, feeling irritated.This wasn’t the script that Tim had written for his play. Josie’s lines called for her to say that she was sorry, that she had been thinking of him all through the meeting, and that she didn’t give Al a second glance the entire time. How could Tim get Josie on the right page reading the prepared script?

” What were you doing? Did you talk to Al after the meeting? Did you go for a drink with him before coming home? Why didn’t you tell me about the meeting? I was waiting to eat dinner with you” Tim ranted as he spewed out his torturous feelings. Josie began to falter as she tried to tackle the barrage of stinging insinuations. Tim tightened the focus on his script and demanded to know if she had been looking forward to their dinner together and if she had missed him. Josie got up and started getting dinner, banging dishes, avoiding any body or eye contact with Tim.

Tim’s drama had been completely decimated. Not only had Josie read the wrong lines, but she spat on the plot and discarded his desperate attempts at trying to be the sole author of their relationship. Is this the woman he should be with? Is this what he hoped for in a girlfriend?

Tim and Josie were reading from different scripts. Tim had written one that he expected Josie to follow without giving her a copy. Her commitment to him was measured by whether she deciphered the text through his coded barbs. Josie had her own scenes mapped out. She wanted to be a co-author. Tim found that threatening and bleached them out of his hearing. Josie was expected to fall in with Tim’s prepared manuscript with no chance for edits. When she didn’t Tim felt as important as a used plastic shopping bag blowing down a dirty street.

Relationships have the best chance of being satisfying when partners co-create their drama together. Scripts that are prepared by a duo are alive, flexible and surprising. A story about a couple that has already been written in stone by one partner cannot include another voice. It is doomed to crumble. In the case of Tim and Jose, the rigid script kills off any chance of an ongoing dynamic bonding unless Tim risks building the stage for a new play that has two script writers and editors. Josie has to demand equal billing or else there is no play to stage. 

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Posted in Couples Speak Decoded | 1 Comment »

Permission to be naughty

September 20th, 2007

Clayton was angry that he repeatedly dreamt of being late for a train, bus, plane, meeting friends etc. In his waking life he was the exact opposite. He took pride in always being punctual, organized and reliable. He despised himself in his dream world. He was mystified as to why he was dreaming of himself doing things he wouldn’t ‘dream’ of doing in his conscious life.As a young teenager Clayton had been the victim of prejudice and racisim. He had witnessed cruelty towards members of his family and community. The slurs hurled at his family related to being unreliable, useless, unfit to hold jobs or live with folks of the dominant culture. The only way for him to survive was to be like the “other folk.” He had to be better than good to prove that he was worthy of living among the majority.

In late adulthood Clayton’s dreams about being late and unreliable - ” being bad” haunted him. The dreams came to give him permission to be a little naughty! He had not had a chance to be a rebellious teenager or push against authority to find his own rhythm. At this point in his life he could find a way of accepting his human frailties and not be ashamed of them. The dreams kept nudging him to love all of himself and not just the bits those ‘perfect’ bits that he had cultivated when he needed to survive as a teenager. What a great gift of freedom his dreams gave him. Do you think he will use it? Do you have any dreams like this that you want to share on this blog? I would be delighted to read them and give my comments.

Posted in Dreams | No Comments »

« Previous Entries